So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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