Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
