After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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