I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
