part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
