It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
