I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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