I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if i can run in heels then i can drive
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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