lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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