Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize