My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
