Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
