anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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