Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
