My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize