I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
