wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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