matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
