thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
