Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
