I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize