woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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