She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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