I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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