Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
