I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
