the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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