Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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