Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize