then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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