So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
