I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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