Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize