As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Found your dick twin last night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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