I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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