You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
