I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
