sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
