I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
