Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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