OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
