I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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