apparently the secret to your success is patron
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize