I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
