So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
