I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
