You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
