90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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