I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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