I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Green mimosas i think yes
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
