now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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