i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
