Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
