I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
