She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
