Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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