Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
