halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
