blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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